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Abandonment Issues: The Hidden Fear
Help to Heal Your Abandonment Issues
Recognizing and dealing with abandonment issues in a non-judgemental, painfree environment
A great deal of my counselling practice here at The Haven Healing Centre is helping people who sabotage their relationships just in case they work. Whilst on the surface this seems absurd, in reality, it makes perfect sense. It's simply the result of this rationale on the part of a patient: I'm going to kill off any love in our relationship before you have the chance to hurt me. In short, you probably have ABANDONMENT ISSUES!
Abandonment is probably one of the most painful experiences that anyone will ever have to go through. And, those fears of abandonment have been affecting just about every decision, every choice you make in your life, from the job you have, to the way you are with your children, to the relationship you have with your partner and the beliefs you hold.
Have you found yourself sabotaging relationships before they get too intense, or before you feel it gets too good? It'll never last you know. Nothing good ever happens to me. I get so far along a path and something happens and I'm hurt all over again. Or, do you hold onto a relationship until long after it is over, because you fear the pain and uncertainty if you were to leave, or to be left by another?
Anyone can be haunted by the fear of abandonment; it is not age or gender specific. Because it can become a big influence in our lives at any time, from childhood to old age, the way we react to abandonment can be very different. For example, in the case of children, parents can be physically there but not emotionally present, they may become sick or preoccupied with work or family issues which means they're not there for you. For adults, relationships may become unstable and for older generations, where co-dependence was more encouraged than now, a partner losing the battle in a terminal illness may well be seen as abandonment.
You know, we sometimes take very little notice of how we deal with our abandonment issues because we have built this wall up around us that is impenetrable. No one can break in and hurt us because the pain of the past is 'dealt' with (meaning it's hidden or suppressed) and I'm not going there again. Then what happens?
Almost instantly you begin to wonder if there is a pattern to this abandonment. You get a little space in your life, a time to reflect, and bang, it dawns on you, I'm being abandoned again. Why me? Have I done something wrong? Suddenly, all the pain you felt as a child, when a parent died, or walked out on you, is back and in your face. It's very sad, frustrating and depressing. You begin to realize fear and insecurity have become the reality you live with.
- You discover your partner is having an affair
- You lose your job through redundancy or business closure
- Your marriage partner wants to leave you
- One of your parents, or grandparents dies suddenly
But it can be worse than that: You can become an abandonment magnet. You literally attract those who are most likely to abandon you. Or, you become a serial abandoner. You look for a relationship, play along for a while and then sabotage the relationship before your partner gets chance to do it to you first.
During counselling and discussion, we look at these issues in as much, or as little detail as you feel comfortable with. These fears are brought into awareness, and resolved in a painfree and stressless way that helps you desensitize to the hurt, allowing you to react less strongly to them in the future. This can allow you to go on to develop and enjoy the satisfying relationships you've always yearned for, free from the pain, anxiety and suffering of an earlier life.
Unresolved abandonment issues can lead to anger in relationships. Every little move on the part of a partner is seen as a threat to your own security and a fear of being left behind. Anger is really a fear response. When you become fearful, you feel tense, anxious, worried. Your breathing shortens and your stomach tightens, you feel like you want to attack and up comes the anger. Guilt is another area that is often identified as an underlying issue (often from childhood abandonment).
What did I do wrong to make mummy or daddy leave me? --- Mum's new boyfriend took all her time, I was just in the way. --- I've never understood why my brother hung himself. We used to fight a lot. --- I only ever knew my dad when he was drunk. He said he was too young to be a father. --- I've always felt abandoned by my mother, since my father raped me, and mum didn't believe me.
How to heal abandonment issues
The help of a loving partner is crucial in changing the way you perceive threat over time. The downside to this is the time factor. It can take years to rewrite the 'writing on your wall' that says 'everybody leaves me'. So coming for counselling that follows an advanced set of protocols can be a good first step in healing the original abandonment issue and also the aftermath of a relationship on the brink because of the self destructive nature of abandonment fear.
Fear of abandonment is not something that a person can get over on his or her own. You will need the support of your partner, or family, or friends. Try to find regular times when you can talk about your fears and listen to their reassurances. Eventually, as you realize that these people are telling you the truth and that you can trust what they say, the good experiences will outweigh the bad and you will start to rewire the alarm response in your brain that keeps triggering your fear responses.
Lastly, don't beat yourself up about being this way. It was probably not your fault in the first place, but rather something done to you at a vulnerable time in your life. This is what triggered the survival response and allowed the fear of abandonment to take a hold over you in the first place.
Some past examples that may strike a chord with you (no names, times or places). Some are very dark
If you have suffered, or are suffering now the pain of abandonment, then I would invite you to come along and talk about those issues and look for a way forward. Look for an answer to all those questions that you have and find emotional release from the pain of the memories of the past. And to all those critics who say this is all best left buried in the past, I would suggest that it NEVER remains buried in the past. The way that you are now, the way you respond to other people and the way you feel about things now, is very much determined by how you were treated in the past. By examining the structure that allowed you to develop those ideas and theories and beliefs, taking them apart and reassembling them in a better, different order, allows you to come to terms with the emotional damage that was done back then, for it not to be a constant irritation and a blot on your emotional well being and health.
- One man discovered his wife had slept with his brother. This was for no other reason than the wife had been abandoned before and needed the security of knowing that if the relationship broke up in the future, she would always have one over on him. There would be one last card to play.
- One female patient used to make bogus abuse reports to the doctor, which were serious, but not serious enough to trigger a call to the authorities. This too was in an effort to ensure an emotional advantage when it all went wrong. This was even more devious than you might imagine, as these false reports would ensure a course of action that involved the authorities. If the husband left the relationship, the reports would ensure a safe haven at a refuge and would destroy his reputation in the community at the same time.
- A male client suffered with terrible abandonment issues when his parents split up and he was left with grandparents while his siblings were taken off by the mother to some foreign land. He just couldn't come to terms with why he was singled out for abandonment.
- One case involved a woman who began to abuse her children, who were very young, because her husband abandoned them all. She decided to look for help when the school started asking questions about bruises. Everytime she looked at them, she saw the face of her husband grinning back and laughing at her and she couldn't help herself.
- Of course, you don't have to be a child to be abandoned, you can be a fully grown adult and still suffer the pain of abandonment. One young man who loved his new wife more than life itself, lost her to a terminal illness. He began to wonder if he was the reason for the illness. He knew it was crazy, but was this my fault? Will the next person I marry also become ill? He became fearful of abandonment through illness and developed other problems like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) as a coping mechanism.
- Sometimes I see adults or teenagers who were abandoned as children and left at adoption agencies. These people can have a profound fear of re-abandonment. These people can often spend a whole lifetime searching for their parents, to find the answers they so desperately seek.
- Continual abandonment in a relationship can be a terminal drain on the relationship. One partner may not see why they should validate the feelings of another partner and so therefore withdraw, and ignore them or become emotionally unresponsive. They switch off to the needs of a partner. That can feel like abandonment but without the actual abandonment of leaving. One of those situations where you get the pain and are living with it as well, the person hasn't actually left you. It just feels as if they have.
- One patient who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer found that her partner couldn't cope with that and decided to leave her. She said she felt like an abandoned dog tied to a post. The metaphor coming from the IV drip and stand.
Take the time now to deal with it and find the peace that you deserve, find the peace that you have searched for your entire life! That's what constructive therapy can do for you!
Healing the pain of abandonment issues. If any of this resonates with you, perhaps you will find the strength and decide soon to do something about it. There is usually a reason why the pain of abandonment shows up in later life, and I hope you have found this information useful and feel encouraged to look for a solution. Please contact me for a private, confidential consultation; or if that's not possible, visit the Cord Cutting Technique website below, for more information about doing this for yourself. Click here to find out about appointments or prices. I look forward to hearing from you. Phil.
|Abandonment is probably one of the worst emotional pains any of us will ever have to put up with. Sometimes there is no possibility of a resolution, and so the pain stays inside, eating away like a baby cancer that grows and grows. Please don't continue to suffer the pain and sorrow of abandonment in your life any longer.|
If you can't come here to talk over your feelings, perhaps you might like to try The Cord Cutting Technique. I developed The Cord Cutting Technique here at The Haven, and used it in practice for several years, in an effort to help those who, at the time, were being plagued by feelings of abandonment. It was because this seemed to work very well that I made a recording of the exact same thing I do in session with patients, and then added some nice relaxing music, so that anyone who couldn't travel, or just lived too far away, could get the same help and the same emotional freedom, as if they were here in person. So, I invite you to try The Cord Cutting Technique at home, as often as you need to.
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- All These Areas Are Within Easy Reach of The Haven Healing Centre, Blagdon, Bristol
- Abbots Leigh - Ashwick - Avonmouth - Axbridge - Babington - Backwell - Badgworth - Bagley - Banwell - Barrow Gurney - Bason Bridge - Bath -
Beckington - Berrow - Biddisham - Bishop Sutton - Bitton - Blackford - Blagdon - Bleadon - Bleadney - Bradford-on-Avon - Brean - Brent Knoll -
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Easton-in-Gordano - Edithmead - Emborough - Englishcombe - Evercreech - Failand - Farmborough - Farrington Gurney - Felton - Flax Bourton - Freshford -
Frome - Glastonbury - Godney - Green Ore - Gurney Slade - Highbridge - Highbury - High Littleton - Hinton Blewett - Hutton - Inglesbatch - Kelston -
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Pensford - Pilton - Portishead - Prestleigh - Priddy - Priston - Pucklechurch - Pudlow - Puxton - Queen Charlton - Radstock - Redhill - Rickford -
Ridgehill - Rodney Stoke - Rooks Bridge - Rowberrow - Saltford - Sandford - Shapwick - Shepton Mallet - Shipham - Sidcot - Somerton - Stanton Drew -
Star - Staverton - St Georges - Stoke St Michael - Ston Easton - Stone Bridge - Stowey - Street - Temple Cloud - Tickenham - Timsbury - Trowbridge -
Ubley - Weare - Wedmore - Wellow - Wells - West Harptree - West Horrington - Weston-Super-Mare - West Pennard - Whatley - Whitchurch - Winford -
Winscombe - Wookey - Wraxall - Wrington - Yatton
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