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Caught Having an Extramarital Affair?
Help Your Partner Heal by Demonstrating Humility and Love
The longer you delay taking the necessary steps toward sorting this, the less likely you are to be able to effectively come through this together. Those steps are going to be dictated, quite rightly, by your betrayed partner, but the way you come across during this trial period will determine, 100% whether you are successful or not.
What was the first thing that went through your head when you realized that your affair has been discovered? Let me give you one or two ideas. "Oh, Shit!!", "My God, what have I done?", "It wasn't my fault", 'Oh, bugger, I'm in trouble now!' and maybe even 'How am I going to get out of this?'. So basically, the last thing you thought of doing was owning up, right?
What was the first feeling or reaction that you felt? Shall I help you out here too? Panic and shock, denial, embarrassment, shame, guilt, hate, fear, regret, to name just a few. The point here is, the feelings you feel are what is happening to you right now, not the pain shock and awe you have inflicted on your partner. That might come later, but initially, it's all about you, and how you feel.
We can all be wise after the event, but whether you are a man or a woman, the feelings displayed after being caught cheating vary enormously. However badly you feel, or your betrayed partner feels, most unfaithful partners massively underestimate how bad their situation really is.
Most think they can just clam up and it will go away, and when they do make an effort to make amends, they ham it up so badly, their partner misinterprets their stumbling and fumbling around as insincere, and worthless as an apology. This is the main reason nearly 75% of marriages fail after an affair.
There is just one question that always comes to mind when someone has been caught, and that is, how on earth did you think you would get away with it?
Regain the Trust Lost and Mend Your Relationship
Repairing your marriage is not a right, but a privilege given to you by your partner, at their discretion and in their own time. When you realize that, and accept the obvious, you can very often avoid the mistakes most unfaithful partners make by trying to rush a reconciliation, or to paper over the cracks. This just proves to the betrayed partner that you are only concerned with your own pain, your own feelings, and not with validating their feelings, or repairing the damage you have done to their emotional state, self confidence, trust and physical wellbeing.
Far too often I hear the same lame excuse for not communicating with a spouse. That is, 'I don't want to bring things up and hurt them again'. In fact, often the unfaithful will do anything except what they need to do to repair the damage to their spouses. They will hide from discussing the very things the betrayed spouse needs to hear, so say, because they don't want to upset them further, when what they really mean is, I don't want to face what I've done, nore do I want to have to suffer the humiliation of laying myself open to criticism and rejection.
Once you are discovered in an affair, it is important to take that moment in time to STOP LYING! Stop lying to your spouse, and stop lying to yourself. When you don't want to disclose any details for fear of upsetting your faithful partner, you are just underpinning the very reason they will never trust you again.
They really do want those details. They are so desperate to make sense of why the affair happened in the first place, putting the pieces into place is vitally important. It's like completing the puzzle.
If you are going to leave the marriage for the affair partner, then you don't need me. If you intend to leave your spouse and your affair partner, then you don't need me for that either. If you think it will be okay to make zero effort to save your marriage, then I'm afraid I can't help you, and neither can anyone else. And if you think you can go it alone and calm your partner, or lever them into a holding pattern until you do it again, then you will end up living in a lie of a relationship, that is destined to rot from the inside out, and die a slow painful death, until one or the other chooses divorce as the only way out.
Take responsibility and heal your marriage. This page is really here to speak to unfaithful partners who want to make a heart-felt, honest and well-advised attempt to save their marriage. Getting the right type of help greatly increases your chances of saving your marriage, and quite often, even enhancing your marriage, without tripping over your own clueless, wholly ineffective and painful attempts at reconciliation. If this idea resonates with you, I invite you to visit The Haven Healing Centre in Blagdon for a private consultation. Appointments and a treatment price list are available by clicking here. I look forward to welcoming you soon. Phil.
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Note: DISCLAIMER: This information is not presented by a medical practitioner and is for educational and informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read.
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